|Dionysus: Well, that's where I come into the picture. After
date, Semele didn't see my father again for six months!
Medea: Ooh! Abandonment issues! Go on!
Dionysus: Well, there she was, minding her own business, when suddenly, Zeus walked in.
Lights rise center stage on Semele's house. A pregnant Semele enters stage left, and walks to center stage. Zeus follows unable to see her condition.
Zeus: Sem, babe! How have you been?
She turns around and Zeus screams.
Semele: (angrily) Where have you been? I haven't seen you in six months! When you said you'd make me big throughout all of Thebes, this is not what I had in mind!
Zeus: Hey! Sorry to hear about that, but I just came to get my toothbrush. I left it here last time.
Semele: Your toothbrush? Look at me! I think it's a Titan! (Zeus turns to leave) Hey! Where do you think you're going? Don't you have any morals? Where the heck were you raised? Oh yeah, Olympus!
Zeus: (annoyed) Crete, actually.
Semele: Oh yes. (angrily) Your mother was a goat! That would explain it. Well, let me tell you something, buddy
Zeus, unable to take any more nagging, gestures grandly towards Semele. The lights go out and Semele is silent. The lights raise on a pile of clothes and a pleased looking Zeus. He leaves stage left, and the lights fade on center stage.
Dionysus: Contrary to popular belief, my mother did not ask to be blown up. Zeus incinerated my mother, but not before he snatched me from her womb and stuffed me into his thigh. His thigh? What kind of child is born out of his father's thigh? It's unnatural! Are you writing this down?
Medea: Absolutely! Homicidal male role model! (into intercom) Psyche, cancel my 2:30 with Achilles (to Dionysus) gender identity crisis.
Achilles is seen twirling stage left. Psyche enters stage left, and upon hearing the diagnosis, Achilles slinks away embarrassed. Both exit stage left.
Now, let's skip ahead to your adolescence. I'll bet it was extremely painful.
Dionysus: My father wasn't exactly the paternal figure I needed at the time, so to cover his tracks, he sent me to live with the Nymphs of Nysa, which, by the way, is a nice-a place-a. (he laughs at his own bad joke)
Lights rise center stage on the forest. Martha and Madeline enter stage right, followed by young Dionysus.
Martha: Oh look! There's Dionysus! Isn't he growing into a fine young lad?
(She pinches his cheek. He is noticeably annoyed with the attention)
Madeline: (aside) Now Martha. Leave the poor boy alone. You know he has enough problems, what with his acne and allergies.